Wednesday, September 22, 2004

couple days later

not much has changed with the situation with the disgruntled person (i´ve been out of communication).

Lately - besides my grandfather - I've been mostly thinking about my next project with the engineering anomalies lab at Princeton (PEAR). Last thursday (or friday?) I responded to a post about possibilities for interpretations of this reality. Even though i would consider myself spiritual, and believe in the transcendental, I was depressingly negative about the possibilities of reshaping this world through conscious intervention (the intervention of consciousness). I've been rebuking myself for that since then... I think I was egged on by the part of me that is always checking how skeptics would perceive what I'm talking about. Of course, the skeptics in this situation = the scientific community. My personal interactions are not limited to my (soon to be) doctor cousin, and my clinical psychologist cousins, but they have been somewhat dismissive of my interest in the PEAR lab's research. That depresses me a bit. We're usually pretty tight, but I kinda feel like I can't talk to them about this interest.

Communication... How to talk to a skeptic, so that they think you're sane? Same issue i think i've been dealing with in the race doc: how to talk to white people without bringing out a reflexive defensiveness?

Other stuff on my mind:
Re: death.
When I picked up my aunt at the airport Monday night, I started talking about how the hardest part is putting on the "bereaved" face when old church ladies show up at the door. I have no connection to these ladies. they belonged to the church that my grandparents have stopped going to in recent years (of which they were once very active members). They also have almost no connection to the reality of GP's (my grandfather's) situation over the past few years. When they show up and say nice things about him, it upsets my grandmother because she starts thinking, "why didn't they tell me this earlier?" "why didn't I see that side of him?" "why didn't I appreciate him more?". The question, "why didn't they visit in the last eight years he's been sick?" has also come up, but that's kind of bitter, and you kind of have to respect the good church ladies for fitting in with the culture. Dead man in church bulletin = buy a ham and drop it off.

My job in answering the door on Monday was to make them feel appreciated while accepting the ham graciously. Only later, as more southern meats kept pouring in did we decide to mention (to the people who called first) that much of the family is vegetarian. I mean, on top of the end of an era, there's no point in wasting food, right?

Anyhow, with my aunt on Monday, I was joking about all the hams and the face changes for the public. We've actually been quite jovial, looking at pictures of GP in his better years, watching the Super8s he shot, etc. Last night this upset my sister a bit. She thinks Grancie might want a little more space to be grieving.

From my perspective, we've all been coming to terms with GP's absence for the last 8 years, and now this chapter is simply closed. To me, Grancie seems saddest about what to do next, weather or not she could have been nicer, but nobody wishes he could still be lying in his bed in pain. It's moving on time (i.e. laughter is good), and the reality is we all have already gradually moved on from the active healthy funny wonderful GP that was around a decade ago.


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