Thursday, May 05, 2005

fixed.

okay, i guess blogger got their act together. old posts by my family have been screened out, blah blah blah IT'S FIXED.

I'm back in SC now, and feeling pretty good about my time in Princeton. I'm glad I got the chance to really soak up the PEAR vibe for a while. It makes me want to do the doc that I approached them about so long ago. I think I'd start from the same angle that I'm working on for the GUR doc; I'd use the whole "how did I grow up?" angle.

I remember when I was little that I had very concrete relationships with everything around me. A stick on the ground could quickly become a close friend. I collected stuffed animals for a long time, and each one had a distinct personality that I knew very well.

An image that I remember very well, and one that I think looks a lot like the random walk of PEAR's cumulative deviation graphs, (below) is looking out the car window on a rainy day and watching the paths that the raindrops took as they sped horizontally across the glass. I remember that there would be certain drops that would attract my attention more than others. they were "my drops" - an extension of me in some way - and i would wish things for them. I wanted them to enjoy crossing the glass, connect with other drops, go fast and bold, or linger. When i was little there was an emotive bond between me and these droplets. Today I don't have that. I don't have much use for pets either.

When I was little, I lived in a world in which every part was very real and alive - I had personal relationships with everything from light-switches to motes of dust. today, I simply don't (or perhaps i just don't pay give that part of my life attention?). In any case, I find myself tempted to call that world of my childhood 'imaginary'. I think it would do more justice to that world to call it 'personal' (what part of an emotional bond is not 'imaginary'?) So the question remains: when and how did this personal relationship end for me? Or become possible only among humans?

I can think of 2 ways that a person can live lifelessly. Either (1) be a zombie, and have no agency, no awareness of living, no attention to the consciousness in yourself, or (2) be aware of yourself and entirely conscious, but have no connection to any part of the living environment around you.

The first existence is robotic and unthinking, the second existence is lonely, tormented, meaningless. the 1min video i made for Joe Uhl's project starts describing a day when i was gripped by the second kind of experience.

As I'm writing this, I can't help but see the parallels with haruki murakami. i love reading murakami.

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